Not Your Everyday Christmas Story

I’d been thinking of republishing last year’s Christmas blog post, but today, just as Santa is harnessing the reindeer and filling his sleigh with toys in preparation for tonight’s globe-girdling ride, I’m recalling another long-ago Christmas event that I hope readers will find of interest.

This was one of our family’s many holiday gatherings in Hawaii. On this particular Christmas morning we all got together at the home of my step-sister Dolores – Dolo – to celebrate and exchange gifts. Dolo and her family are dedicated carnivores, with a particular fondness for bacon, and several of the gifts they were given reflected this. One of them, conveniently sized as a stocking stuffer, was a chocolate bar larded, so to speak, with bits of bacon – an unusual taste treat.

The gifts were exchanged after a wonderful brunch that, as I recall, was washed down with mimosas (Champagne and orange juice). As the merry-making wound down, the food and drink did their work. My eyelids grew heavy and, slouching comfortably into a corner of the couch, I dozed off.

When I awoke a little while later, I stood up and began walking across the room. Suddenly titters broke out, followed by howls of laughter. Dolo was the first to spot it – a huge brown stain on my backside. Somehow, the bacon-and-chocolate bar, which had been passed around for everyone to see, had been left on the couch, and I’d failed to notice it as I plopped down. Chocolate bars, however, unlike birds’ eggs, don’t hatch when incubated. They melt. Into a gooey brown paste.

While the mess was eventually removed from my pants and the couch, which both looked as though I’d suffered a major “accident,” it remains eternally imprinted on my reputation – the sleepy uncle who did a stand-out job of feigning incontinence! Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho!

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