Are You Ready to Join The Illuminati?

If you’ve seen claims that a shadowy, conspiratorial group called The Illuminati (“The Enlightened”) is behind everything that’s screwing up the world, I’ve got news for you.

With simple click of your mouse, you too can enter the world of The Illuminati and revel in their power.

Yes. If you’d like to roll up your sleeves and get in up to your elbows in making an even greater mess of the world than we see in the news and on social media every day, I have The Illuminati’s email address, and for the right price — Don’t ask, I haven’t made my mind up yet! — I’ll share it with you.

Just message me!

Yes indeed, a few days ago, I uncovered a treasure snagged in my junk mail filter. It was from “The Illuminati world elite empire.” And it got straight to the point:

Bringing the poor, the needy and the talented to limelight of fame, riches, powers and security, get recognized in your business, political race, rise to the top in whatever you do, be protected spiritually and physically! All these you will achieve in a twinkle of an eye when you get initiated to the great Illuminati empire. Once you are initiated to the Illuminati empire you will get numerous benefits and reward. [sic]

It’s enough to make even the gaggle of flailing negotiators on Capitol Hill drool with envy. Maybe the Illuminati can cut the Gordian Knot in which they find themselves entangled.

But if you are anxious to share in the Illuminati’s phenomenal powers, you’d better not waste any time. Their message made it plain that the offer was not open-ended. It was created solely for the purpose of our recruitment scheme which will end next month and this offer is for unique ones only, if you are not serious on joining the Illuminati empire, then you are advise not to contact us at all. This is because disloyalty is highly not tolerated here in our organization. [sic]”

Regrettably, the offer is just too exciting for my septuagenarian bones. I don’t wish to discover the manner in which my inevitable disloyalty will fail to be highly tolerated.

As mentioned above, The Illuminati’s message included an email address to which “unique ones” are invited to respond. Please use the comments feature to let me know if you have a taste for Enlightened Adventure — and World Domination!

4 replies
    • Howard Daniel
      Howard Daniel says:

      Sorry, Kate — you missed the boat. As our post makes clear, the message we received from the purported Illuminati says their “recruitment scheme … will end next month,” and we posted this item back in October 2021. In any case, I hope you realize that our post, at least, was made tongue in cheek. We suspect the message from the “Illuminati” was tongue in cheek as well. We wish you a well-illuminated future!


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