Even though the COVID-19 plague has many of us cocooned safely away at home, for some people, work continues online. For those whose professions require “virtual” meetings, here are a few useful tips:
If Time-Zone Follies require you to join a coast-to-coast meeting at “O Dark Thirty” and you haven’t yet managed to brush your teeth, save everyone from your Buffalo Breath by sitting at least two meters (six feet) from the microphone.
If it’s the kitchen that serves as your home office and you want your computer mouse to remain in good working order throughout the meeting, be sure to move the peanut butter, honey and ketchup off the table. And pull the photos of you and your buddies in goofy party hats off the fridge door.
Did you set up the man cave as your work-from-home hideaway? Don’t forget to remove the Playboy calendar from the wall behind your chair.
Is the bedroom doubling as your home office? Get that pile of laundry out of sight and for God’s sake make sure there’s no bra or panties left carelessly dangling from the handles of your Bowflex.
If your computer’s built-in camera catches a field of view wide enough to include the area behind your chair — you know, the one your spouse routinely passes through en déshabillé — the moment you hear said spouse starting to shuffle past, draw attention away from the embarrassing visual by leaning forward and loudly blowing your nose.
If you have small children or elderly parents living with you and, as a consequence, have rigged the entire house with an intercom or baby monitors, be sure to mute the one in the privvy for the duration of the meeting. After all, you wouldn’t want to broadcast bathroom audio [turn up the sound here, if you dare] to your entire audience.
Dressing for the occasion — best practices:
- If your shirt is decorated with last night’s spaghetti sauce, undo the top four buttons and entertain everybody instead with a view of your hairy chest.
- Anyone over 60 who sleeps in their birthday suit and thinks ZOOM is an invitation to “come as you are” is excused from the meeting.
Stay safe! Stay healthy! And don’t lose your sense of humor!